Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Another hubby rant

Why is the first day back to work and your typical rountine so difficult? I feel like I've never been more tired. Got absolutely nothing accomplished today at work or at home. I did manage to have a zero spend day, which is huge for me. My co-workers did not bring their lunch so they went to pick up lunch and I didn't go or ask for anything! Huge I tell ya! I brought leftover potato soup and ate it. I also kind of worked out today, too. My hubs and I played volleyball tonight for our church for two hours. Loads of fun, but not sure it's much of an exercise.

Any ideas on how to get hubby on board with saving money and paying bills? He continues to use the credit card even though it's in my possesion. He thought he JUST HAD TO HAVE a slice of pizza and a liter of soda at the local gas station after work. Why? I can only do so much to save money and pay bills, but it's super hard when he is still being irresponsible. I have showed him all the finances, bills, debts, and statistics. It still does not seem like he gets it. He unfortunately comes from a family that has very poor money management skills, so I don't know if that's his excuse or what. I know separate bank accounts are an option, but I know he will spend all his money and we won't have enough for bills. I have given him a spend account and he still goes through it all and then some. He gives me such grief and makes me feel like a bad person because I don't want to always go out to eat or buy fun stuff. I always end up feeling like a major control freak or his mommy. Not fun!

Okay I am off my soapbox. I hope everyone has a great night.


  1. This is the problem with many couples, I do not know what to tell you. Maybe a Dave Ramsey class?
    He seems to be into instant gratification and this is very common in children raised in families with poor money skills or poverty.

  2. My ex-husband was the same way, and to be honest, it was one of the major factors in our divorce.

  3. I am thinking Dave Ramsey as well--he also takes calls on this issue all the time.

  4. Might it help to designate one night each week as cheap date night? Your library may have some good (free) movie rentals, but if not, Redbox is supposed to be cheap for some pretty current movies.

    If you have a Sonic near you, they have really good $1 hamburgers (after 5pm, I think). Maybe if your husband knows a fun night is on the calendar, he'd be more apt to hold off on his pizza/soda moments.

    Good luck!


  5. This will sound a little harsh.

    You always feel like you are a bad person because you allow yourself to feel that way. What he is doing is purposely putting you into that situation, and he knows you'll feel bad and cave into what he wants. My father is the same type of person - everyone else should be worried about the problem except him. It's why my parents divorced.

    Not that that is an option for you, and I'm not suggesting it.

    The ONLY way for you to do this is to take away the debit and credit cards from his possession, supply him only with cash, and ensure your accounts require double signatures. Or completely separate your money.

    Perhaps he also needs to be rewarded for the good behaviour he is displaying. Set up a reward board. Make it through one week without purchasing anything that is over his allowance, and you'll take him out for dinner. Use what he seems to need in your favour.

    The only person you can change is yourself. You need to understand this as well. If he isn't changing his behaviour even after you've gone through everything, then he's not ready or willing to. YOU need to accept this, and change yourself accordingly. To start, stop allowing yourself to be manipulated by his behaviour and his choices. Once you get this under control, you can start fighting back against his behaviour.

    It has to start with you though. And, from what you say, only you. You can wish all you want that he'll change, that something will get through to him. The only thing that will is repossession of his prized possessions. Stand firm in your beliefs. Do what you need to do to get strong enough to resolve to not allow him to make you feel bad or guilty or lower than dirt for having your priorities in the right place. Recognize he is doing this because he has fear to do the same and rise about it.

    Nelson Mandela's words about shining brightly so others will know to shine too come to mind.

    The last thing you need to do is articulate how it makes you feel when he does this. From what you've described, you are taking the feelings and bottling them up instead of voicing them. Find your voice girl, and never stop using it.

    It's difficult. It's the hardest thing you will have to do, but you need to ask your husband why he continues to choose "stuff" over you and the marriage.

    Good Luck!

  6. @Kim: we have completed a Dave Ramsey class and it didn't seem to impact my husband any. He is definitely all about instant gratification. He didn't have a lot growing up so I think he's trying to make up for it now.

    @Dy: we have had the divorce discussion because of his poor money management, but it hasn't changed anything. He has also spoke with our pastor about the problem.

    @Consuelo: been there, done that, and have the books ;)

    @Jenny: I think I'm going to try your behavior mod suggestion and see how it goes. It's sad, I do behavior mod for a living and now I need it for my hubby :(

    @Finding my way: not at all harsh. I needed that. Thank you so much!

  7. Umm.. Can I just "ditto" what the lovely Jolie said?! lol! Hope you're able to figure something out! Personally, I'd give him (and you) an "allowance" for his own personal spending money, and when it's gone, it's gone. ;)