Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Our first money blow up

Fair warning: It's long and rambling, but I need advice!! Help me, please.

I knew it would happen eventually, but I didn't think it would be so soon. Today as I was cleaning out the fridge, freezer, and cabinets I get a call from my hubby at work. He states that he just finished lunch (sandwich, chips, cookies, and a soda), but is still hungry. I asked him what he would like me to do about it. He said either he can go get something or I could bring him a snack. I told him I had all the food on our counters and it would be a while, so he said he'd just run and get some grub. I said it was fine just make sure it was cheap and he said okay. I went about my cleaning and forgot about our conversation. After the food was put away, I made a grocery list for the next month and went grocery shopping. I came home, put the food away, and paid bills (cable, electric, & food). Afterwards I went online to check the bank and found an $8 charge from today for taco bell!! I was boiling mad. I decided to wait until he came home until I said anything, but I planned carefully what I would say so I wouldn't blow.

When he walked in the door everything I planned to say went out the window. Essentially I blew up at him. I feel bad for the way I handled it. Unfortunately it needed to happen, but I could have went about it differently. However, I do not think it made any flipping difference because as he was ready himself for job 2 he asked if I had any ones so he could buy a soda at work (he has canned soda at home, but it's not the mt. dew he loves). I bit my lip and handed him a buck, smiled, and kissed him goodbye. AHHH!!! Help!?

Before getting into the whole mindset of debt repayment and saving, my hubby and I had a big talk about our hopes/dreams. We appeared to be on the same page, but now the more I think about it, I think he just wanted to go along with whatever I want. He's always been this way, so I don't know why I'm surprised, but yet I am. I need advice!

I truly do not think he really cares if we are debt free or have savings. He lives in the moment. When he wants something, he gets it. He wants to go out to eat and buy things for us because he thinks we DESERVE it. He uses excuses like: he works 2 jobs, I take care of the house all week and cook, they may sell out of it, or there's nothing to do at home.

A great example is this weekend...On Saturday my SIL had a new baby so we planned to visit him and then come home to watch the nascar race. Since he works til 5am, he didn't get up til 1pm. We got ready and I asked what he'd like to eat. He said we'd just pick up something. I said I could make quick sandwiches. He said no, lets just grab something on the road and save time. We grabbed Arbys at $20 and then went to the hospital. We went to the hospital and visited. My BIL needed to be taken to best buy, so we offered because we know the area the best. Our older nephew came with us and asked for ice cream. I agreed to take him to Mcdonald's to get him a cone (I was thinking I could handle .79), but when we get there my hubby get's him a mcflurry and one for himself ($4). We went to pick up the BIL and back to the hospital to drop them off. We then headed home and it was already 7pm and hubby was hungry. He said we'd just run to the store and pick up something quick, so I'm think we'll spend $10ish. He grabs chicken fries (i'd rather starve than eat it!) so I grab freshly made sushi rolls ($4.69) and head to register. On the way, he grabs 4 cases of rc soda because they were 4/$10, 2 one liter sodas bc they were 2/$2, & chips/salsa/dip (for the race). It all came to $31. I was mad, but didn't say anything. We went home so he could watch the race.

On Sunday we went to church so I could teach children's church (we had a little 6 y/o get saved!!!). After church we planned to head straight to the hospital so we could see the new nephew, but he wanted to stop at walmart to get them some diapers because they nonchalantly mentioned that they needed to get newborn ones and he took it upon himself to get. I was mad at him, but just said get the smallest pack. Afterwards we planned to go to Outback because we had a coupon and gift card, but my MIL called to offer us a free meal at another restaurant so we went there (yeah free food). We then headed to the hospital and while we were there he gave them the diapers and said "I would have gotten Daniel these two really cute outfits, but i knew Christy would have have killed me." Yes, I would have hurt him for that, but I wanted to kill him for that comment!! After we left we were supposed to head back home before church, but he said he needed to get new workboots so we headed to shoe carnival. Yeah he needed the shoes, so I asked if we could stay under $50 and he said he could. Once inside I wandered around because I hate that place, but quickly became bored so I went to find hubby. He had picked out a $70 pair of work boots and a $60 pair of black dress shoes...because he said his black church shoes were looking rough. I started to veto it, but he looked upset and started talking about how hard he works. So I shut up and he bought them. Off we went to church. It was about 530 when we pulled into church only to find it packed. He went in to get a program that said tonight was a special music program that started at 5 and there would be no church service so we left. As we were leaving I asked if we could pick up a paper for the coupons and he said yes. He went to a gas station and got one and came out with the newspaper and 2 sodas. He said he called in a pick up order to Applebees so we went to pick it up ($21) and then headed home. At home we ate, did laundry, kitty litter, cleaned the turtles, watched tv, and then he went to bed while I was on the phone with my friend trying to recover my iphone that crashed right before bed.

It's my fault that I don't speak up, but at this point I don't know what to do. Help I need advice.


  1. Im going to be honest. Until you guys are on the same page financially you are going to continually have this fight.

    What about giving him a certain amount of money and when its gone its gone. That is how I finally broke my husband of the habit.

    good luck


  2. Add up all he spends on junk food and it is a lot! He might be addicted to the preservatives! Get a total and then show it to him with documentation. I believe it will total the take home on one of his jobs. Then have him quit the job that pays the least. He likes to spend money, it doesn't matter on what he has to spend. It is an addiction. Judy also has a good idea give him an allowance for junk food. Give it to him in cash when it is gone it is gone. Do not let him have a check book, or a debit or credit card. I did not allow my husband any kind of access to our money for years, because he is the opposite, would not spend any money. He would drink sour milk if he thought it would save money. I won't live that way. Plus he was always unemployed and has been way underemployed for 23 years. When you earn it you can spend it is my motto, but only after the bills are paid and there is money in savings. Mean but we survive. Well we survive with a great deal of debt!

  3. I am new to your blog and became a follower! :) Erin


  4. That sort of spending, on a daily basis, is going to destroy a budget. You'll be shocked at how much it can add up to over a month. I don't know how to advise you though.

    He's a grownup and you telling him what to do isn't going to bode well for your relationship.

  5. I hope I'm not overstepping here, but your hubby is eating 100% CRAP. If he cares anything about his health, or your bottom line, he needs to man up & start packing a lunch with REAL food in it. He ate cookies, chips, pop, and probably a white bread sandwich... that's sugar, sugar, and more sugar. No wonder he's still hungry & spending money on more junk food. None of that has any substance or nutritional value to it! Maybe switching to eating real food will help get your budget in line & pay off debt. More protein & veggies will fill him up longer & keep his blood sugar levels in check. Even if you "reward" yourselves with a meal out every 3 weeks or after paying off so much debt. Time to have a sit down talk with him & see if he's willing to change.

    Good luck!

  6. Oh boy! Another solution is simply to separate your finances. Get a joint account for the bills, agree on the amount that goes in, and destroy the debit cards that come with it. Set up automatic payments for your mortgage, insurance and things, but make it hard for you to get the money out. Each of you then get to split up the allowance money ad that's what you get...

    Having said that you need to start opening your mouth. The trick is you need to do it de-void of the emotional reactions you are having. You can let him know it hurts you that you guys aren't on the same page about finances. Show hm using "Out My Window's" suggestion, then ask him what he thinks. Wait for a response, the express your feelings on the subject. Nothing will change until you open up and have the discussions you two so desperately need to have.

  7. Wow...I see two issues here. The first is financial and the fact that he is clearly not on board with the debt reduction plan. I agree with other posters who suggest you need to put him on an allowance, separate finances or find some other way to keep him from dragging both of you down. The second issue is just as scary and that is what he is doing to his health. No one should drink as much soda or eat the massive amounts of junk he is consuming. How will he continue to work two jobs if he has a heart attack, a stroke, develops diabetes or other serious diet related health issue? It is hard to make changes, but he needs to get on a healthy diet right away AND make a serious effort to improve the family finances. I wish I could offer more concrete suggestions, but my husband is very careful about his diet, happily eats leftovers and rarely spends money on anything, so I am no expert on this topic! However, what you describe is frightening--can you survive if he becomes disabled? Can you pay off debt if he is not working? Do you have good health insurance should he become ill?

  8. I thought the same thing as Carla. It would have been cheaper to buy a lean piece of beef and a tossed salad. Much healthier too! It sounds like he needs quick energy, and this seems more to be a health issue than a financial issue, although they go hand in hand. I would ask him how he is feeling and take care of his health first.

  9. I feel for both of you. If your husband is still working 2 full-time jobs, what a guy! Not many men would or could do that. But both of you are under a lot of stress and he is sleep deprived. It sounds like hubby is physically addicted to high calorie, high fat, sugar and salty food. It gives you a quick pick-me-up and bursts of dopamine in your brain that make you feel good, temporarily. What would your "professional self" counsel your personal self? You may have to take baby steps. Communicate lovingly with your husband, don't go along with something then get angry about it later. A mutually agreed upon personal allowance for both parties sounds like a start. But don't start treating him like a child, or you will become his mother. Once you are both back to working fulltime (not 2 fulltime jobs for him) , you/he may be able to make more progress on cutting back on fast food, sodas; prepare meals at home and stick to a bugdet. Good luck.

  10. I agree with the above folks. Also, if he's got any kind of pre-diabetes, his emotions and energy will also improve once he gets off the crap refined-carbs diet. Real food will keep him full too. When we found out I had to change my diet to get rid of refined carbs, the whole family started benefiting in all sorts of ways we weren't expecting.

  11. Does your church or any church in your area host Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. I think it's worth at least checking out his website to see if there are any in your area or to get some hints and tips from his site. That might help you both get on the same page financially speaking.

  12. Thanks for all your responses. We used to give ourselves equal allowances, but he didn't like not having access to all the money in case of an emergency. We've done Dave's class and I'm currently following his principles as well as working with Crown Financial services. Our plan is to sit down this weekend and work through everything. He knows about this blog and occassionally looks at it and he is willing to read this post and comments for insight into my fears and others' suggestions. About his health, we both started a diet and exercise plan Jan 2011. He lost 100 pounds by June, but has since gained 20 back. I have so far lost 92 pounds. We are complete opposites on nutrition. I love grilled chicken, turkey meat, salads, and fish while he lives for cheeseburgers, chips/salsa, cheese, and candy. I do all the grocery shopping in the house and I refuse to buy hamburger, candy, white breads, and a lot of frozen foods. He loves to go to the store on Sundays and buy his snacks for the week because he does not like what I buy. He buys the $1 boxes of candy for each work day as well as suckers, swiss rolls, and nutty bars. I do purchase chips, but they're either baked or veggie fries. I only purchase whole grains. We spend a lot of time eating separate meals because he doesn't like what I like and I won't cook what he likes.

    Hopefully we can make some progress this weekend because I want a long life with him debt free. I hope we can get on the same page.